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Psychosis and monsters in my head.

Publicerad 2017-03-08 00:04:23 i Allmänt,

The last couple of months has probably been the worst and best of my life.


Looking back at it I'm thankful for everything that has happened the last weeks. But when I was in the moment I didn't even know if I would make it out alive to be honest.

It started a couple of months ago. I started to feel like something was wrong. I was irritated, sad, easily agitated and depressed mixed with good happy days. But it got worse and worse.

To be honest it started in my teens already but that's a too long of a story to write now. Now I'm gonna tell you about how I got my diagnosis and what led up to it. A week of hyper mania that turned into a really bad psychosis.

Two years ago I started eating Zoloft after seeing my GP back in Sweden. I was depressed and realised I needed something. My doctor put me on 50mg/day and that's the dose I was on up until a couple of months ago when a GP here in Australia recommended to pick up the dose. I went to see them to talk about stop taking the Zoloft since I felt it only worsened the symptoms and not helping. But she said it's such a small starting dose actually and doubled the dose. I hoped that it would help and I did as she said. Looking back at it it's probably the worst thing that I could have done. 

The weeks went by and I started to feel even worse. My mind was racing, I was even more irritated I had trouble sleeping and concentrating. I started to use more alcohol and other stimulants to help with it all. Also looking back at that as well it's probably the worst thing I could have done. But when you are in that state of mind it's so easy to fall back into bad habits. And I've been drinking heavily throughout periods of my life to cope with it all. 

It says on the package "do not stop taking Zoloft without consulting a doctor." 

So in the beginning of February I started to go into hyper mania. I didn't know this back then when it all went down. I just thought I got some extra amazing energy that kept me going and I was actually feeling on top of the world. But I couldn't sleep and I could definitely not relax. 

After one night of staying up and smoking and drinking I was so hyper that I couldn't even sit still. And that's when it all started crashing down. I ended up being brought into the hospital sedated by the ambulance and police. They found me laying naked in the backyard only being able to speak Swedish. Before that I had been down in the basement pulling a coppar pipe out of the wall with my hands, smashed a massive mirror inside the house and running the streets naked with our beloved dog Georgie in my arms screaming there was a tsunami coming. 

This day it was over 40 degrees and when the police found me I didn't even break one single drop of sweat. Apparently I told the police, in a moment of being able to speak English, that I had access to cocain and MDMA (witch I don't) and they thought I was off my face on drugs and called the ambulance. They had to put me in handcuffs, sedate me with 10mg of IM Droperidol. Witch I know today is life threatening when you're on Zoloft! If the doctors just would have checked my Medical ID on my iPhone they would have seen that I was on 100mg of Zoloft and probably would not have given me such a stong dose. I was passed out for a long time...

After being stuck in some kinda loop for hours where everything was repeating itself every 5 minutes (so fucking scary that you can't even imagine) my mind started to clear up. When I saw my partner coming in to the hospital I was so relived. He's been my solid rock in all of this but I didn't realise it back then. In the back of my head I actually thought that he and everyone else was in a conspiracy to kill me or lock me away and I felt I couldn't trust anyone. Not even my family and friends and I didn't talk to anyone about my thoughts and feeling scared that I would say something that would make them lock me up forever...

This is a long story so I leave it there for now. Stay tune to hear the rest of what happened during this fucked up week.

Lots of love 💞

Picture info: a bruise I got from the handcuffs...

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