Welcome to my world. 💞

Blurry memories.

Publicerad 2017-03-12 23:30:38 i Allmänt,

I'm sorry I haven't finished off the story on my psychosis. It's just hard to remember what actually happened and what just went down in my head.

Looking back on that week all the days just blend in together. Sometimes it feels like everything happened in one day and other times it feels like it was a year long. So much went down that I don't really know where to start.

I remember one night I was laying on the living room floor. My heart was pounding so much that I felt like I was having a heart attack. I laid down on the floor trying to do my breathing exercises to make it go away. It cept on coming back and it spread to my entire body. At one stage I thought I was having a miscarriage.. it felt like all of my blood in my gut just poured out of me. Is wasn't, but it was a scary feeling. I was screaming out for my partner who came down in panic and I was just sitting there on the floor unable to move. It felt like my whole life was crashing down on me.

Another day I thought that we had a water leak in our house and I took our dog out up on the street once more. But on the way up to the street my legs just collapsed down beneath me. I fell down outside my neighbours house and I couldn't move. My heart was starting to pound again and I thought I was having another heart attack. My beloved dog laid next to me to help me get through it. I don't know what I would do without him. ❤ After that I accidentally locked myself inside our garage and I didn't have a phone nor a key to get out. I was in there for an hour crying and panicking until I finally smashed the door open. The thing is I could have just opened the garage door and walked in the open door on our balcony. But when you're in that state of mind you don't really think rational. So instead I smashed the door in, what a mess..

I've fallen down so many times that my body has been black and blue from time to time. One day I just jumped in the car with our dog and was gonna go down to the park close to where we live. I don't have a drivers license and I don't know how to drive a car. I crashed into some rocks several times before my partner came running down to stop me. I could have killed both myself and Georgie (our dog) in the process...

Thinking back on that week it makes me feel sick. Not being able to trust my own brain is the most scary thing I've experienced in my entire life. Nothing comes even close to that terrifying feeling. I even asked my partner to sign a paper to make all decisions for me because I felt I could trust myself anymore. I thought I was gonna be stuck in this nightmare the rest of my life.

Luckily it was "just" a week of hypermania and psychosis but it was the worst, and sometimes the best ironically, time of my life. Because sometimes I felt on top of the world. Sometimes it felt like I was bound to do greatness in the future. Sometimes I actually thought I was gonna run for president in America 2020 with Kanye West. How sick isn't that? Being so far down in hell one minute and then the next one I'm on top on the world. Bipolar disorder at it's finest hey? Oh my god. I'm happy I survived it to be honest.

Sorry for a messy post. Just needed to get some shit out of my brain. Hope you enjoyed it, haha.

My heart, my everything, my little baby boy Georgie 💞

And a bruise on my hip I got from falling down. At least I think so, don't remember it happening to be honest. It was just there on day, painful and sore.


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