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Welcome to my world. 💞

From me to me.

Publicerad 2017-03-21 23:04:02 i Allmänt,

I am slowly finding the strength from within to love myself. I guess I needed to hit rock bottom to realise that I am worthy of happiness and joy. I am also worthy all the beautiful things in life. I am worthy of having people around who appreciate all the good things I actually do. I always try to make everyone else feel good. I'm not gonna stop that, never. But it's time so focus on making myself happy again. It's time to put me first because I am worth it ❤

Thankful.

Publicerad 2017-03-13 22:50:43 i Allmänt,

I'm having one of those days that I remember and think back on all the nice people I've met throughout the years.


People that have helped me when I've needed it the most without ever asking for anything back. How precious aren't these people? They are the one who make the world a little bit better and I'm so thankful for them. I'm trying to take my time and thank them all. 

There's many of you, especially me dear friends, that are reading this who are some of these people. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and I just wanted to take some time and say thank you to all of you. How lucky am I to be surrounded by such a beautiful bunch of people. I don't have to name names, you know who you are. ❤️

And I've been thinking about this self love thing. I think I might have a little love for myself after all. At least I'm working on it. I don't wanna treat anyone else badly so why should I do it to myself? 💞

Blurry memories.

Publicerad 2017-03-12 23:30:38 i Allmänt,

I'm sorry I haven't finished off the story on my psychosis. It's just hard to remember what actually happened and what just went down in my head.


Looking back on that week all the days just blend in together. Sometimes it feels like everything happened in one day and other times it feels like it was a year long. So much went down that I don't really know where to start.

I remember one night I was laying on the living room floor. My heart was pounding so much that I felt like I was having a heart attack. I laid down on the floor trying to do my breathing exercises to make it go away. It cept on coming back and it spread to my entire body. At one stage I thought I was having a miscarriage.. it felt like all of my blood in my gut just poured out of me. Is wasn't, but it was a scary feeling. I was screaming out for my partner who came down in panic and I was just sitting there on the floor unable to move. It felt like my whole life was crashing down on me.

Another day I thought that we had a water leak in our house and I took our dog out up on the street once more. But on the way up to the street my legs just collapsed down beneath me. I fell down outside my neighbours house and I couldn't move. My heart was starting to pound again and I thought I was having another heart attack. My beloved dog laid next to me to help me get through it. I don't know what I would do without him. ❤ After that I accidentally locked myself inside our garage and I didn't have a phone nor a key to get out. I was in there for an hour crying and panicking until I finally smashed the door open. The thing is I could have just opened the garage door and walked in the open door on our balcony. But when you're in that state of mind you don't really think rational. So instead I smashed the door in, what a mess..

I've fallen down so many times that my body has been black and blue from time to time. One day I just jumped in the car with our dog and was gonna go down to the park close to where we live. I don't have a drivers license and I don't know how to drive a car. I crashed into some rocks several times before my partner came running down to stop me. I could have killed both myself and Georgie (our dog) in the process...

Thinking back on that week it makes me feel sick. Not being able to trust my own brain is the most scary thing I've experienced in my entire life. Nothing comes even close to that terrifying feeling. I even asked my partner to sign a paper to make all decisions for me because I felt I could trust myself anymore. I thought I was gonna be stuck in this nightmare the rest of my life.

Luckily it was "just" a week of hypermania and psychosis but it was the worst, and sometimes the best ironically, time of my life. Because sometimes I felt on top of the world. Sometimes it felt like I was bound to do greatness in the future. Sometimes I actually thought I was gonna run for president in America 2020 with Kanye West. How sick isn't that? Being so far down in hell one minute and then the next one I'm on top on the world. Bipolar disorder at it's finest hey? Oh my god. I'm happy I survived it to be honest.

Sorry for a messy post. Just needed to get some shit out of my brain. Hope you enjoyed it, haha.


My heart, my everything, my little baby boy Georgie 💞

And a bruise on my hip I got from falling down. At least I think so, don't remember it happening to be honest. It was just there on day, painful and sore.

Hypocrite

Publicerad 2017-03-12 11:37:45 i Allmänt,

This is not a feel sorry for me post, it's just open and honest.


I'm thinking about self love. Throughout my whole life I can't remember a time in my life where I loved myself. It's just seem like an impossible thing to do for me. I'm not being all sad and feeling sorry for myself. It's just that I can't do it and I don't know if I ever will to be honest. 

People always say "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first." That's a load of complete and utter bullshit. I have so much love for my friends, partner, family and pets. I'm serious when I say I would do anything for them and I really, really hope they all love them selfs as much as I love them. But I won't question them if they don't. I'm filled with love for others but I just can't seem to come around and love myself. I understand and know that others do and I don't doubt that for a second. I know my loved ones love me and I'm so grateful for that. Don't ever think otherwise!

It's just weird when you think about it. But on the other hand I've lived my life for almost 30 years without loving myself and I consider myself to live a happy life. So the thing I'm starting to doubt is how important self love really is? For me it's a hard question to answer. Because to be honest giving love is so much more important to me than to love myself. That's just the honest truth.

I have plenty on love to give to others that it will last me a lifetime and I consider myself so extremely lucky to have that opportunity. There's people out there going through life without ever loving someone else. That's a life I could never live. But as long as I get to give love to others I'm happy and satisfied the way it is. That's more than enough for me.

Psychosis and monsters in my head.

Publicerad 2017-03-08 00:04:23 i Allmänt,

The last couple of months has probably been the worst and best of my life.


Looking back at it I'm thankful for everything that has happened the last weeks. But when I was in the moment I didn't even know if I would make it out alive to be honest.

It started a couple of months ago. I started to feel like something was wrong. I was irritated, sad, easily agitated and depressed mixed with good happy days. But it got worse and worse.

To be honest it started in my teens already but that's a too long of a story to write now. Now I'm gonna tell you about how I got my diagnosis and what led up to it. A week of hyper mania that turned into a really bad psychosis.

Two years ago I started eating Zoloft after seeing my GP back in Sweden. I was depressed and realised I needed something. My doctor put me on 50mg/day and that's the dose I was on up until a couple of months ago when a GP here in Australia recommended to pick up the dose. I went to see them to talk about stop taking the Zoloft since I felt it only worsened the symptoms and not helping. But she said it's such a small starting dose actually and doubled the dose. I hoped that it would help and I did as she said. Looking back at it it's probably the worst thing that I could have done. 

The weeks went by and I started to feel even worse. My mind was racing, I was even more irritated I had trouble sleeping and concentrating. I started to use more alcohol and other stimulants to help with it all. Also looking back at that as well it's probably the worst thing I could have done. But when you are in that state of mind it's so easy to fall back into bad habits. And I've been drinking heavily throughout periods of my life to cope with it all. 

It says on the package "do not stop taking Zoloft without consulting a doctor." 

So in the beginning of February I started to go into hyper mania. I didn't know this back then when it all went down. I just thought I got some extra amazing energy that kept me going and I was actually feeling on top of the world. But I couldn't sleep and I could definitely not relax. 

After one night of staying up and smoking and drinking I was so hyper that I couldn't even sit still. And that's when it all started crashing down. I ended up being brought into the hospital sedated by the ambulance and police. They found me laying naked in the backyard only being able to speak Swedish. Before that I had been down in the basement pulling a coppar pipe out of the wall with my hands, smashed a massive mirror inside the house and running the streets naked with our beloved dog Georgie in my arms screaming there was a tsunami coming. 

This day it was over 40 degrees and when the police found me I didn't even break one single drop of sweat. Apparently I told the police, in a moment of being able to speak English, that I had access to cocain and MDMA (witch I don't) and they thought I was off my face on drugs and called the ambulance. They had to put me in handcuffs, sedate me with 10mg of IM Droperidol. Witch I know today is life threatening when you're on Zoloft! If the doctors just would have checked my Medical ID on my iPhone they would have seen that I was on 100mg of Zoloft and probably would not have given me such a stong dose. I was passed out for a long time...

After being stuck in some kinda loop for hours where everything was repeating itself every 5 minutes (so fucking scary that you can't even imagine) my mind started to clear up. When I saw my partner coming in to the hospital I was so relived. He's been my solid rock in all of this but I didn't realise it back then. In the back of my head I actually thought that he and everyone else was in a conspiracy to kill me or lock me away and I felt I couldn't trust anyone. Not even my family and friends and I didn't talk to anyone about my thoughts and feeling scared that I would say something that would make them lock me up forever...

This is a long story so I leave it there for now. Stay tune to hear the rest of what happened during this fucked up week.

Lots of love 💞

Picture info: a bruise I got from the handcuffs...

Rise up.

Publicerad 2017-03-06 22:14:36 i Allmänt,

Well it's been a while.


Was thinking that I should pick up my blogging again since I'm on the other side of the world now. For you guys that doesn't know, I moved from Stockholm to Sydney. And I've been here over a year already so I guess it's about time I let you guys know what's happening in my life.

One other reason is that I need to get my feelings and thoughts out there. And I know all of my Facebook friends aren't interested about what's going on in my life so I can write about all my shit in here instead. 

I might write some of my posts in Swedish since it's a bit easier to write about deeper stuff in my native tongue. There's always google translate. 

So I've just been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It's actually so new that even myself don't really know what type I have. But I will probably focus a lot on that in the future since that is one of the main reasons I need to write down all of my crazy thoughts and experiences. 

Stay tuned peeps. More is coming!

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